Ok so I wanted to write the second part to my story. But as I sit here trying to knock something out in the limited amount of time I have before one of my three children or husband comes in and I have to step away yet a again. I am feeling lead to just simply write. Because really we all have these stories, these sagas and they have helped us become who we are today but they do not define us. They do however help us relate to each other and allow others to possibly learn and grow though us sharing them. But sometimes I feel like the more I talk about them the more I like etch it to my soul and the more I allow it to define my now and allow them to let me make excuses for myself. I feel sometimes like I’m speaking to the wind and whats the point of all the posts and blogs. Is anyone really even reading them? But well there is always a point and slowly He is revealing his plan as I go. If anyone would have told me even two years ago that I would get personal messages from people I barely know genuinely complimenting and thanking me for my candor or the recipe post I made, even asking advice!!! I seriously would have fallen off my chair! 7 years ago I was in an emergency room laying face down on a hospital bed as a doctor carefully picked out tiny shards of glass from my back with surgical tools. It was the result of yet another fight and the wine glass my husband had thrown at me. I’d love to say I left there and had made this cathartic breakthrough and from that moment on everything changed. But really if we are honest with ourselves does anything ever really work that way?! Is real true change instant or does it require deep raw ongoing hard work. Full of gut wrenching self-realization that sometimes we are not ready to face. It would have been very easy to blame my ex-husband. It would have been very easy to blame my father for leaving in search of a “better” life that didn’t really include us. Or blame a pharmaceutical company and failing medical system. But really where would all that blaming, explaining and excusing get me? Through all of my therapy, personal growth, development mentoring and schooling. The biggest obstacle I discovered I had, was me. I had had a life time of set backs and big events that I allowed to shape who I was but not in a way that served me. I personally have found recognizing that if I would like to be a happier more fulfilled person the only place to look is at myself the most encouraging and freeing discovery. Because guess what I can’t alter the actions of others or what happens around me. But I can choose how I act and react to everything. I am seeking a different result in my world I need to be the ripple of change I want to see in my life. It has been the hardest lifestyle shift to make yet. But the one that is making the biggest impact. Growing up in today’s world we are hardwired for this mindset that holds very little accountability and our life skills can only ever really be as strong as the ones that were demonstrated to us. Unless we recognize a point of needed growth within ourselves we can become stuck. We may hold this beautiful vision of where we would like to see ourselves but not the faintest idea how to get there. We are so focused on looking at outward sources that we lack the skills of looking within. We are educated more by teachers and care staff than our families, we see doctors when we are sick and psychologists when we feel sad. We watch a movie when we are board and go to the drive thru when we are hungry, get a new dress or lipstick when we are feeling down on our bodies. Buy a big house and nice car when we want to feel and appear successful. My gosh the list could go on and on and is the source of this perpetuating circle of individuals who are like me stuck and unable to find a way out. I never thought the hardest skill I would need to learn was ME. I recently heard the most poignant quote.
“I am not here for your understanding of me. I am here for your understanding of who you are. I am your mirror. How you feel about me, what you see in me, the thoughts that arise of your encounter of me, the judgments you hold about me are all reflections of you. They have nothing to do with me.” Emily Maroutian
I was guilty of looking at everyone and everything in my life making excuses, finding fault and placing blame. I saw so much injustice in the cards I was handed and faulted those who were a part of them. But life really is pretty simple if we can learn to know ourselves sit with our heartbreak accept the injustices as an opportunity for growth and change. Look to those people you’ve separated from yourself because they challenged you, and explore why. I truly believe we have the power to speak life or death over ourselves and our lives with the power of our thoughts, actions and words. More often than not we are our biggest obstacle. And our complaints are e reflection of the areas within ourselves that requires some unpacking and growth. What is holding you back? Look in the mirror voice out loud the blame and fault you have misplaced that you feel is the reason for your road block. Then truly reflect on if they are an accurate source in hinderance or simply a reflection of your own personal areas where you might be avoiding truth and growth. I challenge you to stop blaming and complaining and be the change you wish to see in your life. Then you will find true release and growth. Get out of your own way. Be all that you are called to be. I feel like often God places specific people and situations in our life because he needs you to be brought to your knees by the challenge so he can speak in to you and weed out that which needs to Go!